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Communicating with Your Teen | Messages/Info for Kids of All Ages | Talking About Sex

In a 2005 national teen survey, 34% of students in ninth grade report having had intercourse. By grade 12, that number increased to 63%. The parents HQ talks with are concerned as to whether their sons and daughters are prepared to make smart choices regarding pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

Even though the numbers of sexually-active teens may seem high, the good news is that teen are increasingly delaying intercourse, due largely to accessible birth control services and accurate sexual education.

Health Quarters urges parents not to rely solely on school- or church-based sexuality education programs but to take the lead in talking to their children about love and sex.

With more than 68% of teens saying that what their parents think influences their sexual decision-making, parents can play a major role in helping them engage in emotionally and physically healthy relationships.

In order for adolescents to safely and accurately navigate the often confusing culture of teen sexuality, ongoing, open and honest communication between parents, other adult family members and teenagers is essential. Children and teens who come from families where a range of topics – including sexuality – are discussed, tend to be better informed and more likely to consult their parents when they are faced with sexual decisions throughout adolescence.

*Some content in this section adapted from www.parentingteens.about.com

Communicating with Your Teen

Teenagers are surrounded by a lot of contradictory messages about behavior, choices and decision-making, especially regarding sex and relationships. They can make their way more easily if they’ve received clear messages from their parents. Clear messages help build a foundation for strong communication throughout the tumultuous adolescent years.

• Use active listening skills and be careful not to use "door slammers."
• Talk often with your teen to bring out positive opinions, ideas, and behaviors and articulate your beliefs.
• Treat your teenager with the same respect you want given to you. more >>

By employing active listening, you let your teenager know that you are paying attention to them, which in turn encourages them to be more open. Try these techniques:

• Stop what you are doing
• Look at your teen
• Offer your full attention
• Listen to what is said
• Comment on what you think you heard

Using "door openers" instead of "door slammers" will help you have effective conversations with your teenager. Door openers are open-ended questions while door slammers don’t leave room for the teenager to give his or her opinion, and worse, suggest that you don’t care what he/she thinks.

Good door openers:

• "What do you think?"
• "Would you like to share more about that?"
• "That's a good question."

Door slammers:

• "You are too young to understand."
• "We'll talk about that when you need to know."
• "That's none of your business."
• "I don't care what your friends are doing!"

Role-playing helps teenagers learn how to work out their responses to real life situations before they’re faced with them. A great opportunity for a role play is when a news story or friend’s problem starts a conversation, and you wonder if your teen would know what to do if he/she faced the same situation.

Messages/Info for Kids of All Ages

Children start to receive messages about sexuality from the beginning, so it’s important to be aware of the messages you send and make sure that they support healthy development. A sampling of messages are below; click for the full list.

Young children (Under age 8)

• People’s bodies are private and you should say “no” to unwanted touch.
• All living things reproduce, and, in humans, it takes a man and a woman.
• It’s normal to touch one’s own genitals. Be sure to do so in private.

Preteens (Ages 8-12)

• Puberty happens at different rates for boys and girls.
• Emotional changes are normal and to be expected during this time.
• Masturbation is common and normal but should be private.

The adult could provide info on:

• What rape and sexual violence are.
• What STDs are and how people get them.

Adolescents (Ages 13-18)

• People are responsible for making healthy sexual choices for themselves.
• The media can have a strong impact on the way we view sexuality and relationships.
• There are many different types of romantic relationships: abstinence/sexually

The adult could provide info on:

• The consequences and benefits of sexual relationships.
• The probability of getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant without using birth control.
• The many challenges associated with adolescent pregnancy.

*Some content in this section adapted from www.plannedparenthood.org.

Talking About Sex

Elsewhere in this section, we’ve provided some assistance with establishing good communication with your pre-teen and teenager. The following are some tips for getting a talk about sexuality started. Remember, children and teens that learn about sex from their "askable" parents learn values and love -- along with the facts!

• Examine your own sexual values and attitudes and be ready to share them.
• Establish an open and nonjudgmental environment with your child.
• Seek out “teachable moments” – news stories or events from their lives that can spark a conversation.
• If you’re asked a question, find out what prompted it.
• Be honest to avoid losing trust – kids can tell when they’re being "protected."
• Answer clearly and briefly; offer more detail only if requested.
• Set a positive tone that sexuality is a natural human interest and activity.
• It’s okay to admit you don’t know an answer; relax and learn together.
• Set your own limits: you can explain without giving permission to experiment.
• And, finally, talk often…but remember to listen more than talk!